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Это был тяжелый год, он был тяжелей, чем тот

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Итоги 2019 года: собака в нелепом костюме и репейник

Пусть и с опозданием, но я подведу итоги года. Надо как-то для понимания целостности картины, ну и в первую очередь это надо мне, чтобы поставить точку и психологически закончить темную полосу. Насчет опоздания, я кстати, лукавлю. Мне кажется, что подводить итоги в конце года, когда он и не закончился толком, и в голове не улегся, очень опрометчиво. Я из тех людей, которым надо больше времени на подумать.

Вот та песня Семена Слепакова, и она мне очень и очень нравится.

Для заголовка я позаимствовала строку из песни семена Слепакова, так как она лучше всего описывает мое состояние. Год был очень тяжелый, прям невыносимо. И если обычно тяжелый примерно равно насыщенный, а значит счастливый, тот в моем случае счастьем и не пахло. Можно сказать даже, что я продолбалась по всем фронтам, но с кем не бывает. Итак, вот мои «достижения за 2019 год».

Свадьба и решение о разводе за один календарный год

Тут не буду много писать, но в 2019 году в феврале я вышла замуж, а в ноябре решила развестись. Из-за ряда юридических вопросов и того факта, что наш брак заключен в Грузии, я формально еще замужем, но думаю, это вопрос времени. В себя еще не пришла, просто напишу, что даже по собственной воле разводиться адски тяжело психологически. У развода много слоев, от прекращения житья вместе и раздела бытовых вопросов, до неловкости при общении с общими друзьями и просьб расшарить фотографии из совместных отпусков. И каждый раз накатывает.

Изматывающее участие в выборах и их проигрыш

Две трети лета 2019 и половин осени я посвятила выборам в муниципальные депутаты. Это тоже был опыт скорее травматический. Ощущения выжатого лимона, усталости и апатии от угроз топором, беспредела после дня голосования и изматывающего процесса агитации до сих пор не уйдут. За неделю до выборов у меня внезапно (был молодой и без явных признаков болезни) умер кот, что оконочательно меня разбило.

Вы скажите, что участие в выборах добровольное и нечего тут жаловаться. Да, добровольное, и нет, я не жалуюсь. Просто предостерегаю кого-то и будущую себя, что в таких мероприятиях сил моральных потребуется раза в три больше, чем закладывалось изначально. Я например, так и не смогла понять для себя какие-то вещи и до сих пор не отрефлексировала свои ошибки и успехи, хотя прошло уже более 3 месяцев с момента, как я закончился все формальности, связанные со своим кандидатством.

В плане выгорания дело все-таки во мне, а не в работе

Я и работа это вообще отдельная тема. В итогах 2018 года я восторженно писала о новой работе, о том, что я наконец-то не программист и что мне там все нравится. А в конце 2019 года, в купе с выборами и решением о разводе, которое я долго вынашивала и измоталась, я поняла, что работа то тоже облегчения не приносит. Критически все взвесив я решила с нее валить, так как work-life баланс был нарушен, мне нужна была передышка и я была близка к нервному срыву, была готова плакать каждое утро буднего дня.

Наверное, впервые я не буду винить в этой ситуацию работу. Дело во мне. Я не могу сказать каким-то вещам «нет». Мне искренне хочется быть в работе лучшей, мне искренне хочется успеть больше, мне нравится достигаторство и лидерство, я люблю много на себя брать. Но нельзя успеть все и ничего не упустить. А я старалась. Вот и выгорела. Надо посвятить 2020 год этой проблеме, а то такими темпами я так и буду увольняться раз в год в слезах и соплях, а потом по полгода восстанавливаться.

Да еще и поправилась

Тут просто цифры, так как они говорят сами за себя. Из-за авральной занятости я очень сильно набрала, почти 18% своего изначального веса. На начало года я весила 51кг, а на конец 60кг. За 2020 год собираюсь прийти в форму.

А как же вторая сторона медали? Их же всегда две!

Все верно. Тут же как на все посмотреть. Ну кроме веса, весь объективно и однозначно лишний, тут ничего не попишешь. Выгляжу я может быть хорошо, но ходить и подниматься по лестницам мне тяжело.

Можно ли считать 11 место из 27 на самых первых в моей жизни выборах проигрышем и поражением? Или наоборот, это триумф силы воли и выносливости, веры в свои убеждения? Вопрос неоднозначный.

Можно ли расценивать мое очередное увольнение как недостаток и признак излишнего инфантилизма? Можно. А можно и понять, что родиться, закончить школу с медалью, поступить в университет, выпуститься и потом всю жизнь работать по этой специальности можно только в советских художественных фильмах. Любой трудовой опыт обогащает тебя как специалиста.

Можно ли считать понимание, что вам с каким-то человеком не по пути и принятое решение расстаться неудачей? Ну и что, что отношения продлились недолго, если они счастья не приносят, то с мертвой лошади пора слезть и пойти пешком. Вопрос еще более сложный.

В общем, как говорится, все не так однозначно, но настроение определено плохое. Поэтому воспринимаю я все не через розовые очки, а через серые, заляпанные грязью, сломанные очки.

Зато я попутешествовала

Несмотря на сильную занятость я умудрилась покататься на лыжах в Гудаури, научиться делать хинкали и хачапури в Тбилиси, походила на байдарках по Ладожским Шхерам, открыла для себя классные города Любляна и Триест и побывала на Дне Огурца в Суздале. В заголовке статьи фотография корги в костюме огурца как раз с этого праздника жизни. В общем, хоть на этом фронте все без перемен хорошо.

Привет, 2020! Я хочу научиться извлекать уроки из своих ошибок и делать правильные выводы. А еще хорошенечко развеяться.

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